Stepping away from french for a minute….
I just came back in from drinking and chatting with Paler (I met Paler while working at a law firm over a year or so ago and, well, she's become a good friend (and a great drinking buddy) since then).
We started off going to a singles mixer thing-y, being thrown by TONY (Time Out New York) but after only spotting about 2 attractive guys (at about 25 years old) there we decided to head to a place that had a shorter line at the bar and was insulated (it was held at the new water taxi beach by the South Street Seaport and with this, the chilliest summer EVER, it just wasn't the right place).
Sitting in a slightly better venue, of course, after going to some half-hearted, singles mixer, we got to chatting about dating in our teen years (and early twenties). After relating several stories to her, she noted that I had such high self-esteem back then.
Hmmm, did I?!?
Now, sure, I related the story of my first 'serious boyfriend' who was told (by me) that if all he was trying to do was screw me he was wasting his time. He'd have to be patient and never pressure me into anything. I would tell him when I was ready (and he never did). I also told her of my breaking up with my second (or third, I must consult my journals for the right order) boyfriend after he refused to tell me that he loved me, which I was soooo sure he did (and then he proceeded to call me every half an hour for a day trying to get me back. Only to be told by my mother that I was done with him for not owning up to his feelings. (I ran into him 4 years later and he admitted that he had loved me but his family wouldn't have understood….whatever!!)
I've got several more stories like this, where a much younger, self assured, confident, girl said exactly what she wanted and stood up for what she believed in was right – for HER!
Now, most of my decisions are based on fear….most of my decisions because on a whole I'm pretty indecisive.
Do I really want to go to France or do I really just want to stay here? Do I want to date him or am I happy just sleeping with him? Do I want a boyfriend or am I happy being single? Do I want to have kids someday in the near future or would I rather be footloose and fancy free?
What happened to me?
I know the answer of course….I grew up. I've made some seriously, WRONG decisions. I have made some – not so wise decisions – when it came to jobs (read earlier posts). And then there are the boys. Boys who were more than happy to do my every last bidding in hopes of having sex are now men without sex on the brain every three seconds (and if they still do, there's always another women more willing – so they move on to the next – quickly). I've been involved with one boy for way too long and perhaps my entire method of choosing them is a faulted method.
Paler also noted that it must have been since my dad was around that I must have been so self assured. There are oodles of studies out there that state girls who grow-up in a household with a full-time father are more confident and self-assured. I will totally agree. He came home every night at 6:30 on the dot. My dad was at ever track meet, spelling bee, glee club, ballet, school musical performance, mock trail debate, I've ever had. Dear old dad, kicked out said first boyfriend from our house because he didn't think he was good enough for me. And to this day, my dad still thinks I can conquer the world (and is always telling me to get to it already).
Now it could be the liquor talking but tomorrow I will make an effort to recapture that part of myself. That part that saw me the way my dad did (or rather does)….the girl that can do anything she put her mind too. That girl that asked for respect from the beginning and NO was simply not an option. That girl who had her eyes on the very large prize. Then perhaps I can make a decision about something – like what I'm going to do when I grow up (and dad, I promise, it really won't take that much longer).