The end of existence is fast approaching, if you believe the Mayans. Though my focus is more on the end of year. I’ve been pondering this fast approaching date since the start of December. There is a feeling of staleness that has been sitting with me since the fall.
Back in 2009, I’ve had big goals, big ideas to work toward. At the start of that year, I began the idea that I needed to move out of New York. A large chunk of the year was figuring out where to go and what to do, until I came across a graduate program in London, UK that was starting in February 2010. The start of 2010, found me relocating; adjusting to a new country and student life nearly ten years since the last time I had been in school. The focus for the year was to write, network, and enjoy the experience (where I was hopeful for a romantic experience too). The idea was a to spend a year in London – a year – and then go where ever the wind took me (which I was hopeful would be Paris, France).
Funny thing about that wind, it has kept me in London. By 2011, I was putting the finishing touches on my first screenplay, filing paperwork to remain in the UK and planning a wedding. A wedding!! Which if you believe what you read in magazines and see in movies is the holy grail of womanhood. And that one activity, occupied nearly all of my brain power in 2011 and until February 2012.
But since that has happened, I’ve been floating about listlessly. Don’t get me wrong. I blame the post-wedding high I was on from February until, I’d say, August. But after having returned from our honeymoon (which was in August) I’ve just been existing.
Of course, I’m writing. An activity that can consume an entire day but render you a mere page to show for all your hard work. I’ve thrown myself back into the activity to get full time employment which, sadly, still evades me. (Though, I’ve sought advice and have learned that I’m approaching a creative job like a lawyer – my cover letters are very serious and lacks any funny or interesting sense of self.) I’ve tried to volunteer. But I’m not flexible enough for that level of hoop jumping. Then I tried to get an internship again but, seriously, I just can’t imagine starting at the bitter bottom again.
So I remain where I am. Not moving forward. Not growing.
And if you’re going to suggest having a baby to me, you know, to have a new experience. Then you’re a silly fool who has never spent a week with a baby that you can’t return. You do it because YOU. WANT. A. BABY. Not because you’re in a lull. And I’m try to have a real conversation here. Moving on…
The plan is to strategically plan what my
resolutions, nah goals are for the start of 2013. I want to be prepared going in. I need to have a plan of action. And am taking suggestions. Seriously, I am. Currently in the forecast is 1. continue looking for film production work with a new cover letter and a sense of humor 2. bump the film production work and, instead, try to get a creative writing gig at a university/college 3. scrap the whole work thing, for more education and apply to get my PhD (it can be done in 3/4 years here) in film studies or 4. nope, that’s all I’ve got. There is no fourth plan. I really wish there was though. Did I mention, I’m taking suggestions. I want to ride the positivity of a new year starting with bright eyes and activity!!!